Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Personal Feelings

     Heads up I'm about to talk about some personal feelings I have about myself. The why is because I feel the desire to get them out and I'm not entirely certain I want to talk about them so thus the blog entry. I only caution you dear reader because this will not likely be overly entertaining (or at least less so then my previous posts). Things are about to get a tad personal, at least on this end and if you don't it like then please skip this entry entirely for things should return to relative normalcy after this. And away we go....

     My name is Michael Hughes and I'm 21 and suffer from a variety of mental issues (then again who doesn't?). For better or worse (for me it's the latter) I'm probably one of the most neurotic people you'll ever meet should you get to know me. My memory is, frankly, fucking terrible when it comes to remembering specifics of any sort. I suffer from an extreme case of laziness to the point that I failed to graduate high school because I didn't really do homework (made to the end of senior year at least I suppose). I have a horrible and consuming addiction to video games which, you guessed it, played a major role in my failure to graduate (mind you I'm not blaming the games, I blame myself). My intense procrastination in combination with my numerous other issues has led me to effectively and completely waste the past 3 years of my life on bad habits and whatever money I got on video games. The worst part is that I've known what a colossal failure I am since roughly freshman year of highschool and that I'm pretty sure that my dad can't get anymore disappointed in me.
     I've been given so much and yet I don't deserve any of it and if it weren't for my very tolerant parents I would've been living on the streets. As of now my life is one of relative luxury though one that I don't deserve and sometimes in my darkest moments I wish I had the balls to just kill myself and end it but alas I don't. I recall one summer where I kept riding my bike during particularly hot days with minimal food and water as some sort of absurd method of killing myself. Mind you this was something like 3 years ago and I think a girl may have been involved.
     Speaking of girls it should come as no surprise that I've managed to fail in that aspect as well. I think I got lucky with my first girlfriend in that was quick and that I curiously was the dumper (sounds harsh but in my defense I felt terrible afterwards). However a couple of months later and I met Heather and she was fucking awesome and so was her family. To this day I will regret dumping her and the reason was that a former lifelong friend who I thought was at the time was significantly prettier (keywords there are "at the time") admitted a few weeks later that she had a crush on me. This next part is going to sound incredibly disgusting but I'm pretty sure I dumped Heather the same night I found out (over the internet too as if that wasn't already horrible enough) and that's basically the only reason. I'd love to try and justify it by saying I was 14 at the time but fuck that I feel like a complete monster who should die alone whenever I think about her (her being Heather). For all I know maybe I should but anyways my relationship with the aforementioned former lifelong friend lasted for roughly a month or two. Once again I was the dumper only this time it was a bit better in that I at least had a half decent reason which was that she told me she loved me and compared us to Romeo and Juliet 2 weeks into our relationship (keep in mind we're both 14 at the time). I got back with her senior year figuring that it might work now that we were more emotionally stable at the time. However I'm an idiot with women and that crashed and burned in an emotional hell fire and again believe it or not I was the dumper. I take some small comfort in knowing that it was justified due to the fact that she was moving to another city hours away and that her parents refused to allow me to see her. I hated them for that for awhile but in hindsight perhaps that while they were fucking crazy they saw something that we didn't. The night after I dumped her she left a voice mail crying and begging me not to end it (it being the relationship). That message still haunts me to this day whenever I think about her.

     On a lighter note I think that's about all I have to say on this episode of "Michael Bares Some of His Repressed Emotions On His Blog That Nobody Really Reads". If you actually did read this then congratulations on making it through, I wish I had an awesome prize to give you like a pony or a cookie but alas I don't *queue sad face* so instead I'll give you an internet hug and the promise of a awesome and completely unrelated story next post. With that I bid you a fond farewell until next time.

     -Mike, the Neon Gecko


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